[COSMO SUCKS] 75 Sex Tips To Ignore

As a sex writer in a monogamous relationship who wears 123,600 times more dog-hair-covered leggings and mismatched socks than she does lace lingerie, silk blindfolds, and Lucite heels with hot pink feathers on them, it’s important that I stay abreast of the latest fornication trends. How do I do this? Not by having actual sex, of course, but by spying on what my peers are doing, and then telling you, using chastising bullet points, why they are stupid and wrong and bad at their jobs, and then proceeding to call myself a journalist. Not like you were about to go out and actually purchase a tangible magazine from a newsstand or anything like that, because this is not the stone age (and also this post is criticizing an article from Cosmo online and not print); but, in case you are that one person in the world besides me who still buys books and reads other things in real life too (not counting street signs or diner menus and why do you even read those when you know you are going to order the disco fries and then tweet self deprecatingly about it later?) don’t spend your hard earned waitressing tips on Cosmo. (Like I said, I know you weren’t going to, but this is just my forced and awkward way of transitioning into the now seemingly anticlimactic climax of this article).

But, if you’re still just itching to know how Cosmo thinks you should spice up your room temperature sex life, here it is, the big sexy secret: WARM LUBE AND BUTTERFLY KISSES. NOT USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH ONE ANOTHER. THAT’S ALL. Yes, 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves will tell you this 75 different times and in 75 un-sexy, un-crazy-hot ways, while uncomfortably weaving in other anecdotes of confusing, antiseptic bedroom advice too complex and gross and mushy gushy sounding to even comprehend or position your body in if you for some reason felt so inclined to. So, as promised, what now seems like so many moons ago, here are the cringe-worthy  highlights, not including the part where Cosmo tells you how to make your man squirm and quiver and squeal, because nobody needs that on hump day or ever.

COSMO: “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent (the perineum, a big pleasure trigger). For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”

What? A dent? Is he okay? Someone call a doctor.
COSMO: “Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it (don’t tie it) around the base of his penis so it’s snug but still has some give. The compression makes him even more sensitive, and the knots stimulate your clitoris as you move in girl-on-top.”

Because it’s always sexy when your man’s penis looks like a bank robber.
COSMO: Put a small mirror out to the side, parallel to his body, while you’re going down on him — he’ll have an eye-popping view.”

Boyfriend: Cup my balls, babe”
Me: “I don’t have any free hands! Can’t you see I’m holding up this small mirror. It’s to the side, parallel to your body. Why aren’t your eyes popping?”

 

 

COSMO: “Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night.”

Me: (texts boyfriend)

ANAL LEAKAGE

WAIT. NO. FUCKING AUTO CORRECT.

I MEANT ANAL SEX.

COSMO: “Straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg, and slide it in between his legs. You’ll be better able to rock your clitoral area against his pelvis.”

Is there some sort of diagram to accompany this?

COSMO: “As your man goes down on you, ask him to draw figure eights with his tongue over your clitoris so he hits every angle.”

Wait, this is literally what they teach teenagers in middle school sex ed, like “write her name in cursive.” It was awkward then and it’s even more awkward now. You should not be dating a guy that needs this kind of adolescent instruction.

COSMO: “Build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest. Lie on your back on a bench and have your man make every seventh thrust his most powerful.”

We are talking about fucking, not surfing or watching Free Willy or Greek Mythology. Also, nothing has ever sounded less sexual than “keying in to an ocean legend.” You know better, Cosmo editorial assistant or whoever you are. Or maybe you don’t. You know, there is such a thing as too much Vinyasa Yoga.

COSMO: “Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth.”

I feel like premeditated fruit-enhanced foreplay is just sticky and corny. But one time my boyfriend did impromptu put a grape in my butt while we were lounging naked and snacking. He ate it afterward. It was fun but nothin’ to write home to.

COSMO: “In girl-on-top, as you are sliding up his penis, contract your vaginal muscles, squeezing your way up his member. Then release, and slide back down his penis. The clenching of the muscles will help you reach orgasm and give him a tight fit.”

She said “member.” That’s all. No, you know what? That’s not all. It’s not okay to say “member.” This is not an erotic novel from the 80’s.

COSMO: “Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he’s not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead.”

It didn’t work for Samantha in Sex and The City and it’s not working for you. Also, isn’t there a multi-million dollar feminine hygiene industry devoted to reducing “fishy” odors?

COSMO: “Lift his sack, and flick your tongue on the crease of skin where the scrotum meets his body.”

Lift his sack? Are you joking with this skanky shit? If he isn’t recently showered do you have any idea what repulsive muck could be lurking beneath the fold?  I’m genuinely terrified for the girl that takes this advice. Currently staring at computer screen with digusted/perplexed/squinty/gag face. None of your staff writers could find a more enticing way of explaining this? Might as well encourage your readers to go on a hunt for fermented nut cheese treasure. Yea, I said that.