[BABY STEPS] How To Ruin A Family Member’s Wedding

Wedding season is in full swing, has been for a few months, and will, presumably, continue to be, as long as you maintain friendships with your kale-loving, craft beer drinking, paperless post using friends. Signing up for a lifetime of joy is great and all, but I will never fully understand the injustice that is why formal occasions which require you to slip into tiny, backless dresses also involve so much organized eating. The phrase “Shedding for the wedding” is a pre-wedding crash diet that people are doing, and if you aren’t participating in the ritual, you will end up feeling super lumpy in your unflattering chiffon taupe dress standing next to someone who has been. Because of this last minute hustle to “fit in,” I have seen some traumatizing shit, most notably the amount of full-body spanx some women are piling on for extra support to get through nuptial season. I am not exaggerating when I say that female members of bridal parties are probably wearing more layers than a climber prepared to hike to the summit of the 23rd highest mountain in the world (I have no idea if this is accurate, but according to Wikipedia, this is actually Nanda Devi in the Himalayas).

Personally, I actually LOVE weddings. In fact, I just celebrated a very beautiful one for a couple very dear to me. But, even though this particular one went off without a hitch (except for a drunk cousin slipping and sliding in a pool of her own vomit on the party bus back to the Marriot), I couldn’t help but feel obligated to identify several opportunities for things to go terribly awry, especially considering the amount of alcohol consumed during one of these shindigs. So, in case you hate your sibling or the spouse he or she has decided to mate with, this is a guide to making a mess of their big day:

1) Flirt with the bride’s uncle (But don’t be obvious. Just compliment his feet when you take him to get a pedicure). Ex: “You really put the ‘Man’ in manicure.”

2) Flirt with the bride’s brother (you can be more obvious about this one). Make sure he falls in love with you, and then break the news that you’re in a relationship with an older womyn named Stan.

3) Complain about seating arrangements before even seeing the seating arrangements and announce that you are TIRED OF BEING CORRALLED to the kids table and that you DEMAND SOME RESPECT.

4) Generously offer to pick up flower arrangements but then forget to drop them off at the venue before lunch, consequently leaving the flowers in the car to wilt and die under the scorching sun while you dine on fresh halibut sushi. Blame it on someone else, perhaps your sister.

5) Wear a slutty black dress and keep repeating, “I ain’t no Stepford wife. This is 2013, bitches.”

6) Constantly refer to yourself as the daughter the bride’s mom never had.

7) Drop someone’s baby (but like, not from far up, because that’s dangerous).

8) Get someone on the bride’s side wasted at the tequila bar and then let her find her own way home because you have an important date to get to.

9) Talk about your therapist the whole time and how you are definitely going to invite her to your wedding IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE  A FEMINIST. SEE LOOK AT YOUR ARM PITS.

10) Introduce yourself as the sister that “had a hard time resulting in hospitalization” in college, but you’re fine now and no it was not a “cry for help” as they like to say. Or maybe it was.

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