[ROSES ARE RED] Honey, The World Is Your Cup Holder

It is instilled in some women at a young age that the world is their oyster. A daughter of a multi-tasking, chardonnay-swilling mama, I was taught “Hey Honey, The World Is Your Cup Holder.” Here are some everyday objects that also double as cup holders; convenient and unlikely receptacles for your stemless wine glass when you can’t muster the will to lean forward six inches to reach the coffee table, even though this action would constitute your only ab exercise for the day (okay week). Some of these tips are best suited for watching TV at home; others are more advisable for on-the-go imbibing. Let’s get started.

1. Between Your Crotch And The Dog

Dogs are sickos. I don’t know about yours, but my filthy mutt loves to nuzzle deep into the treacherous caverns of my post-spin class (#humbebrag) vagina for such lengthy stretches that I become panicked and check his pulse. When you’re six episodes deep into a Scandal marathon, fully immersed in the drama of Olivia Pope’s cliff like cheekbones and quivering lips, blurring the lines between current events and the fictional saga of Fitzgerald Grant’s presidency, the warm little donut hole between your drop crotch leggings form H&M and your snoring perve dog forms an appealing little cocoon for your
cup, yes cup, of vodka. Just be careful not to get up too abruptly, because spilled booze on stinky puppy =

2. The Pouch Of Your Overalls

No you are not a marsupial, but yes you prefer a hands free lifestyle, and to keep your loved ones tethered close to your heart (that’s correct, we are referring to a caffeinated beverage as a loved one, because #NoKids). The frontal overall pocket is not only a utilitarian aesthetic development dating back to the 1800’s, innovated as protective gear for mechanics and workmen, it is also a convenient place to hold your Starbucks cup while out on a scenic walk through the park. In my neighborhood, you never know when you’re going to need to throw a quick karate chop in order to block your face from a crazy-eyed man with dreadlocks threatening to throw feces at you because God believes overalls are for homosexuals. In these instances, I thank generations of
agricultural laborers for pioneering the overall trend (and for the delicious, fresh produce in my $8 Pressed Juice), which has become a much emulated runway phenomenon made acceptable by the quirky queen of low-maintenance-chic, Man Repeller herself.

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3. Between Your Legs While Driving

Let me begin with this disclaimer: driving with a piping hot cup of joe between your legs is an incredibly reckless move. Good thing Starbucks only manages to serve up anything at a higher temperature than luke warm corporate bitterness about 30% of the time. When the plastic cup holders of
your 2008 Jetta’s center console are rendered all but unusable by an unsanitary but homey layer of old Dentyne Ice and Camel Crush menthol
tobacco particles, sometimes your inner thighs are all you have to depend on (thank you 30 Day Squat Challenge!) While this measure cannot always be avoided, I strongly advise against employing this high-risk, high-skill tactic while operating the steering wheel with your knees on freeways. Unless you are a professional stunt car driver. RIP Paul Walker.

4. Bedside Stools

You heard it here first: bedside stools are a neu modern-rustic design trend coming to a Dwell Magazine near you. I recently made the difficult decision to retire my fauxhogany beside tables after coming to terms with the fact that I was not comfortable ingesting in my sleep whatever mystery adhesive was causing my lamps to stick to them. After trashing the trashed tables, leaving me bedside table-less like some kind of exotic fish tank and leather-loving bachelor who poses with trophies for his profile pic on Tinder, I decided to use my adjustable kitchen bar stools as makeshift nightstands whereupon to rest my Naomi Wolf and Bukowski collection (the irony is not lost to me). And also my favorite Pendleton coffee mug. A year
later, I still haven’t purchased proper bedside tables (though I’m eyeing a mid-century set from West Elm), and sometimes I buy the kind
of toilet paper from the bodega that feels like microdermabrasion on your asshole. #Adulting

5. On Your Belly

Unless you’ve achieved a certain level of prestige where reputable publications start paying you silver dollars to create info graphics about strip malls (I’m talking to you, Ann Friedman!), the freelance writer life is not one of pearls and caviar and glamour. In fact, the lowly writer routine can be most accurately categorized by hummus, email hounding editors to the point of borderline stalking, and a familiarity with the reclining position; one that your not-fat-but-not-quite-crop-top-appropriate mid-section pays a high-price for. Which brings me to the use of the tummy as a cup holder. It makes an exceptional one; especially when typing from bed on a laptop and drinking ginger detox tea to combat excessive consumption of seasonal cheese platters. Bonus points for
resourcefulness if you store chocolate covered almonds (or any dime sized snack, really) in your naval and they don’t roll onto the floor to poison
your Chihuahua (yes, the same one who loves your stank crotch).