[KARDASHIAN KORNER] Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons Ep.3 “Party Crashing”

 

Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons E.3 “Party Crashing”

Previously On: Scott wants to go out and party in order to subdue dark thoughts of his recently deceased parents. But unless he can sober up (or at least compose himself after a night of partying for the sake of his children), Kourtney wants him gone. These two have a lot of issues, but they still have a fighting chance.

This episode opens with a nice father-daughter moment between Scott and Penelope. Remember this image, because it’s going to get dark.

 

 

Scott and Kourtney are out house-hunting. Yes, the same Kourtney and Scott that almost broke up last week. Khloe is confused. “Are you looking at a house for [Scott] to stay in while you’re here?” No, they want to buy one to live in together sometimes. Khloe does a dance in some weird pants because she’s uncomfortable with their assurance that this is a good idea.

 

Khloe calls Kim on one of her two cellphones to vent her frustration about Kourtney’s rocky relationship. Kim, a relationship expert (remember her 72-day marriage?), demands that Kourtney and Scott make couples therapy a priority. She assures Khloe that “100 percent. That Helps.” Is Kim speaking from experience? Is Kimye in couples therapy? I do a dance in some weird pants and pretend that can’t be true.

 

 

The next day, Khloe brings up the possibility of her and Scott having a radio show together for the Summer. The last time Khloe had a radio show, she pulled out a vial of cocaine (it wasn’t hers) live on air and got slapped with a suspension and a drug test (she passed) (Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, S1E2). So, fingers crossed that this goes through.

 

Later, Penelope and Mason’s faces have mysteriously been painted. Kim calls Kourtney to ask if she can throw North’s first birthday party at Kourtney’s under-construction home in LA. Kourtney says no. Kim is annoyed. I smell melodrama.

 

 

Momager Kris calls Khloe to reveal that Scott is too much of a liability to be a co-host on her radio show. Scott is super bummed about this. Speaking of bums, Kourtney reveals that she and Kim used to check each other’s buttholes for ticks, Lena Dunham style. Tight. Anyways, Scott is bummed about his continued unemployment and he makes a joke about going to get food stamps or something. Stars – They’re just like us?

 

Aww, Kourtney receives an invite to North’s first birthday par – WAIT. It’s at her house? Even though she told Kim no?? Who does Kim think she is??? Kourtney’s gonna fly in and ruin North’s party to confront Kim face-to-face.

 

With Kourtney and the kids off to ruin a one-year-old’s birthday party, Scott has the house to himself. Soon, some friends show up to hang out with him for the weekend. Scott’s friends really suck. Except Tom. Tom’s kinda hot. Actually, Nate’s kinda cute, too. Wait, Nate just took four consecutive tequila shots and chased them with wine. Nevermind, Nate.

 

Back in LA, Khloe is juggling her two phones and showing Kendall where the TV and photobooth are going in the master closet of her new home. She gets a call from Kourtney, who’s on her way to confront Kim about the party. Khloe wants front row tickets to the drama. Umm, get in line, Khlo.

 

Cut to Kourtney’s house, where there are cranes setting up carnival rides in the backyard. Kris and Kim are there ( yes! ) and don’t seem to question the camera crew following them around. The confrontation is kind of weak. I’m pretty sure at this point Khloe is the only sister who can drop the monotone and show real emotion. Of course, Kim’s got that amazing crying face, but would she whip that out on her sisters’ measly spinoff? Doubtful.

 

 

Kim explains that she is tired of living in one bedroom at her mom’s house. Why is Kim living at her mom’s house with Kanye and North? Can’t they afford a temporary mansion, or at least a penthouse suite at the Four Seasons while they wait for their Palace of Versailles to be finished? I don’t get it. I digress.

 

Kim asks two-year-old Penelope if she can have the party at Kourtney’s house, and she says yes. Kourtney shows empathy for Kim’s displacement, and agrees to host. After all, the ferris wheel is already set up.

 

Back in the Hamptons, Scott is not doing so great. It’s broad daylight and he’s blacked out on some booze and pills. He throws a bottle of Perrier into the pool. He falls backwards on the stairs. He fucks up some lounge chairs. Even Tequila Nate is concerned.

 

A security guard carries Scott upstairs to lie down. Nate tucks Scott into bed. Scott tries to argue. “I just need one drink and one turkey sandwich,” he begs. I’d really like to know what time it is. My best guess is 2pm. He wakes up a few hours later, brushes his teeth, and he’s ready for round 2.

 

 

Kourtney’s got a friend at the house to spy on Scott. The friend sees him throw a house phone and a beer across the room. When she requests he not drink any more, he comes back with a “Yo, fuck this little white girl.” Err, yikes.

 

Damn, North’s birthday party looks kind of amazing. They don’t say it on the episode, but I know from Instagram circa 21 weeks ago that this party is #KIDCHELLA. That’s right, a baby-themed Coachella, complete with Native American headdress (SMH, Khloe) and flower crowns (SMH, Kourtney). They have a ferris wheel, churros, lemonade, cotton candy, funnel cakes, and some shitty kids band. Who is this stupid band? They suck. I could have done a better job. How do I get that job?

 

 

Here’s an embarrassing video of Kendall, Kylie, and Jaden Smith embarrassingly dancing to a Kanye song at the party (where Kanye was in attendance, of course):

 

I’m a little disappointed that Kanye and North were left out of the episode, but there’s more serious business going on back in the Hamptons. Scott is showing Kourtney his balls while he showers, via Facetime.

 

 

He comes out of the shower ready to PARTY. He downs a bunch of beers from a long glass and rips off his button-up shirt before heading out to his birthday celebration at the 1OAK club. He squints his way through photos. He sprays champagne on everyone in the club. He makes it rain dollar bills. And then, blackout.

 

 

The next scene takes place in an emergency room. We learn that Scott took an entire bottle of his anxiety / sleeping pills, drank too much, and called Kourtney to tell her he didn’t think he would make it. The house is in shambles, complete with broken bottles, spilled pills, and a busted door. A sober and terrified Scott considers rehab. I longingly recall the first scene of this episode.

 

Stray Observations:

• I’m pretty pissed we don’t get to see Scott go bananas. Come on, E! DVD Bonus Features maybe?
• I thoroughly enjoyed watching Scott and Kourtney try to have a normal conversation while swatting away hundreds of bugs. It’s humbling.
• Kourtney asks Scott if he’s coming with her on her way out the door to fly to LA. What planet are they living on that they can decide things like this last-minute? How many private planes do the Kardashians have access to? I would love to know.
• Why does Khloe have two phones? Why is one of them a Blackberry? It’s 2014.

 

Unexpected Voice of Reason:

Kourtney: “[Kim] can do the party at Chuck E. Cheese’s for all I care. I actually love Chuck E. Cheese’s.”